Chris Kelly: An Open Letter To All The Politicians Talking About Whether Or Not Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan Is A Lesbian

First of all, boring.

Second of all, should this even matter?

And third of all, of course she’s a lesbian.

Have you seen any stock photos of her? It looks like Obama nominated a cross-country UPS driver to be a Supreme Court Justice. This woman’s face is literally the world’s collective…

Why is Chris Kelly not a regular commentator on EVERY NEWS SHOW ON TELEVISION? He is writing incisive, relevant, hilarious political essays/pieces/commentaries/rants that clarify issues that so many contemporary essayists, or whatever you want to call them, belabor and fumble with. When you finish reading a Chris Kelly blog, you feel a clear-headed sense of certainty about how the world ought to be. And, if you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, you might also notice a near-orgasmic glow, a result of laughing at the ACTUALLY FUNNY nature of EVERYTHING he writes. I highlight ACTUALLY FUNNY because has anyone read what is SUPPOSEDLY FUNNY in The New Yorker or New York Times Op-Eds? Jesus.

Also, I should mention to said news networks that Chris is very attractive.

Also, give him a book deal.